Too Many Questions, No Answers

It's been four days since I spoke to Nikki last. Kohl's corporate hasn't called back yet. I was planning to go to Knox's homecoming this weekend, but now I find I lack the funds and the will to visit old friends. I think I'd be rather poor company anyway.

So what am I doing now? Sitting and sulking are my two favorite activities of late. I have not abandoned my job search. I've even expanded my jobsearch beyond Milwaukee and even this country. Several people have mentioned the JET program, where you to and teach english classes over in Japan. They pay you fairly well and they take care of your living arrangements and all that jazz. Only trade off is that I'd be out of the country for at least two years.

But then again, would that be so bad? I've always believed that one's life choice gravitated around three things:

1. What do you want to do?
2. Who do you want to be with?
3. Where do you want to live?

I thought I had the answers all these questions. I was trying to make one more piece of the puzzle fit. Lately, I've been thinking that I may have been pounding a round peg into a square hole. Not matter how badly you may want it, it just won't work. Perhaps the recent events are a sign that my fortunes really do lie elsewhere.

Which leads me back to Nikki. Boy, I really screwed up there. I've tried to call her, but all I've been able to do is text her a weak ass "What are you doing tonight?" Was I really expecting her to wait there patiently while I got my shit together? It's been three years since I finished my masters and I have very little to show for it. She and I have been together for seven going on eight years and what do we have to show for it?
A lot of "soons..." and "we've got all the time in the world." Very romantic sounding sentiments early on, but they sound very hollow after awhile. And seven years counts as a long while.

I don't blame her for wanting to move on, look for something much more promising. I just hate myself for feeling this way now. I'm toruturing myself by the phone, waiting for either her or Kohl's to call. I'm holding on to some kind of hope that my life here, my life with her can be fixed.

Or, maybe, I've just run out of time?